If you've watched any football this season -- I mean, it'd be weird if you haven't and you're reading this -- you've seen the above Peyton Manning Nationwide commercial roughly 3,000 times. I'm here to point out a glaring flaw in the ad that is now actively driving me mad like the beating heart beneath the floorboards in The Tell-Tale Heart.
At the 20-second mark, Manning is preparing to serve in ping pong. He is trailing, likely by a lot of points as we know from his sing-song comment, "Epic comeback starts right here." Manning serves and the young boy on the other side returns volley with a wicked shot that sails past a flailing Manning. We're seeing a lot of flailing Manning these days, but I digress.
Now, after Manning swings and misses, he says to the boy competitor, "Lucky shot." But is it really? In ping pong, your return serve must hit the table on the other side of the net. The boy's volley does not, and since Manning missed the ball (in a return swing he never should have attempted anyway), that means the boy's shot is out and Manning gets the point. THE EPIC COMEBACK REALLY DID START RIGHT THERE.
How does Peyton not realize this? Is he new to the game? If so, are these neighborhood toughs taking a clueless dad for a ride because they know he's rich? WAIT, is there gambling going on with minors? I'm in too deep. This is Al Jazeera America deep, and you know what happened to them.
Let's just move on.
Oh you sweet poor thing
How could nobody tell him? If his backstory is true, this is a supremely sad young man with an unfortunate tale to tell. You didn't have to buy him a beer, but a consonant was too much?
Get this guy a record contract
This is a great song. It has sound narrative structure, a strong beat and some epic growling sounds that would command respect in the wild. I wonder how many takes he needed to nail it? I would pay Ked Woodley to write a banger about the Jets.
Gronk workin' blue
Rob Gronkowski's Twitter account is mostly terrible, loaded with plugs for the 7,000 endorsements that will keep every Gronk brother and Wahlberg cousin afloat for decades to come. Which makes this tweet stand out so much. This is Gronk unfiltered. Is it everything you imagined?
Why are we fat-shaming Eddie Lacy?
Packers coach Mike McCarthy put Eddie Lacy on blast this week, saying the running back needed to come to camp in far better shape than he was last summer. It was an undoubtedly embarrassing moment for Lacy, who struggled through his worst season as a pro while carrying extra pounds around the midsection.
Lacy might have legitimate issues with food, but we know our society doesn't have much patience for that sort of thing. Hence, the incessant ridicule from fans and media members alike. People have even taken to finding buried tweets in which Lacy references food and being hungry. Why is this OK?
Bro, he's a millionaire professional athlete. His only job is to be in shape. OK, not a horrible point, but are we working under the impression Lacy doesn't realize this? Because ... of course he does! Assuming Lacy is simply lazy and unwilling to change bad habits is reductive thinking in the pursuit of a cheap laugh at somebody else's expense. Don't be that guy.
From one big man to another, I got you Eddie.
Is Jim Harbaugh still saying crazy stuff?
Yes. Yes he is.
What the what?
Before you watch this clip of Von Miller, I request that you turned up the volume on your computer or phone as loud as it can go.
That was mean, I'm sorry. In other news, Von Miller kind of looks like a guy who was transported to the present time from a Steve Sabol NFL Films production in 1986.
Bob Costas is hip to the kids these days
If I were an internationally famous rapper with a bottomless bank account, I would hire Costas away from NBC and take him on the road with me. He would walk around the stage holding one of those white towels and occassionally shout things to the audience. After the first encore, I'd have someone put a literal soapbox on the stage and Costas would stand on it and pontificate on concussions, the St. Louis Cardinals and Deflategate.
I feel like this would really add some gravitas to the show.
Tweet Of The Week
I'm mad at myself for watching this as many times as I did.
Quote of the Week, Part I
"Cameron (Crowe) called me up and said, 'Glenn, I'm gotta find someone that's not going to take any s--- off Tom Cruise and I think you're the guy.' "
The quote is taken from History of the Eagles, a great rock-doc you can find on NetFlix if you're buried by snow this weekend.
Quote of the Week, Part II
"The key is you've got to make really deep, direct eye contact. So if you Creedbomb someone you've got to look them directly in the eye."
I can't tell you how much this new tradition has endeared the Panthers to me. My friends and I mocked the existence of Scott Stapp and Creed for years. Does anybody remember the album where their faces were all in trees? THEIR FACES. WERE ALL. IN TREES. Stapp and Co. re-wrote all the rules when it came to being an empty-headed, post-grunge rock act with platinum status.
It's hard to pick a favorite Creed video, but let's go with "My Sacrifice", where Stapp finally drops all pretensions and starts actively presenting himself as Jesus. It's like Stapp studied Bono and Eddie Vedder, misinterpreted everything that was meaningful about them, and then successfully brainwashed a generation of white kids.
Hero of the Week: Ziggy Ansah
The water crisis hits home from Ansah, a native of Ghana who dealt with clean water concerns in his own childhood. Good for Ziggy!
Until next time ...