Ajayi, Jay: London-born running back and the only person in pro football history who can say, "I'm going to the Super Bowl" and "Jay Cutler is my teammate" in the same season.
Amendola, Danny: Handsome wide receiver whose regular January and February exploits during his tenure in New England prompted teammate Rob Gronkowski to rechristen him Danny "Playoffs" Amendola. Inventive? No, not even by Gronk standards. But super accurate.
Belichick, Bill:Patriots head coach whose mastery of football strategy and team-building has kept him at the pinnacle of the sport for decades. Bon Jovi fan. Owns a boat. Wore sleeveless shirt to AFC Championship Game postgame presser and dared attending media peons to ask him about impromptu gun show. No one did.
Blount, LeGarrette:Eagles running back and Forrest Gump-like figure who's been involved in every moment of consequence in NFL history.
Brady, Tom: Indestructible Ken doll. Father of Gisele people. Purveyor of performance pajamas. Says stuff like, "If you're competing against me, you better be willing to give up your life -- because I'm giving up mine," and thinks that's totally normal human commentary.
Broad Street: Major arterial thoroughfare that runs north to south through Philadelphia. Will be reduced to dust and rubble if the Eagles actually win on Sunday.
Collinsworth, Cris: Talented NBC color analyst who has deftly turned "Sunday Night Football" into a 3.5-hour infomercial for Pro Football Focus, his popular analytics site.
Cooper, Bradley: Infuriatingly handsome Hollywood A-lister and diehard Eagles fan whose luxury-box celebrations at Lincoln Financial Field force one to study their own muted reality and wonder if God is purposely cruel, or if life is really just a big poker game in which you got dealt the bum hand.
Crisco: Popular brand of food shortening typically used in the baking sector but also employed by city officials in Philadelphia, who grease up light poles so idiots won't climb them to celebrate conquests by the local football team. Feels like we, as a society, have been too easily accepting of this acid trip of a crime deterrent.
Fatone, Joey: Former *NSYNC member who has waited patiently for his phone to vibrate since Justin Timberlake was announced as the Super Bowl LII halftime-show headliner. Keep that bad boy charged, Joe!
Foles, Nick: Backup-turned-starting Eagles quarterback whose spirited performance in the NFC Championship Game against the Vikings is the primary reason some pundits believe Philadelphia can win this damn thing on Sunday. Will be granted forever civic legend status if he posts a passer rating over 88 in a victorious Eagles effort.
Garoppolo, Jimmy: Dashing and productive young quarterback whose midseason trade from the Patriots to the 49ers will serve as beefy fodder for national media members desperate for something fresh to write about during anotherPatriotsSuper Bowl week. Consider it an upset if Tom Brady fields fewer than 14 Jimmy G-related queries on Opening Night.
"Gonna Fly Now": Iconic Bill Conti-composed theme song from "Rocky" franchise that's become the unofficial anthem of the Philadelphia sports scene. Though the composition has lapsed into cliche status for many Philadelphians, every other fan base wishes "Gonna Fly Now" was connected to their city.
"I'm Shipping Up To Boston": Abrasive, overrated fight song for 21st century New England sports teams popularized by Celtic punk band Dropkick Murphys. The song was originally written with far nobler intentions by folk singer Woody Guthrie. In fairness, "The Departed" was a pretty great movie. Ending was a little on the nose, though.
Kraft, Robert: Only owner in NFL who wears Nikes with his tailored suits. Arguably a more important figure in New England than Tom Bradyor Bill Belichick.
Left Shark: Patron saint of halftime show distractions. Very little chance Justin Timberlake has any agenda-driven sea-faring creatures connected to his setlist.
Lombardi Trophy: Still the best championship trophy of any of the four major North American sports. Get outta here with your germ-infested Stanley Cup. Just 'cause you can drink out of it doesn't make it better. Being more versatile does not constitute a superior trophy.
Michaels, Al: Come for the peerless play-by-play delivery and subtle sense of humor. References to Vegas matters late in telecasts become less and less veiled with each passing year. Al DGAF and we love him for it.
Minneapolis: Icy tundra/major Midwest metropolis that presents zero chance of survival for soft sports bloggers who have become accustomed to the temperate climate of Southern California.
Opening Night: A sordid carnival of media gluttony held on the Monday evening of Super Bowl Week. Serves as ideal vehicle if you wish to know answers to questions like: "Which prominent sports media personality has the worst body odor problem?" A minimum of three men will be dressed in drag for perceived comedic effect.
Patricia, Matt: Big teddy bear of a defensive coordinator and soon-to-be head coach set to leave team that has been to eight Super Bowls in 16 years to lead franchise that has appeared in zero Super Bowls ... ever. Shoot your shot, man. First-ballot inductee into the Looks Totally Different Without Facial Hair Hall of Fame:
Pederson, Doug: Sixty minutes of football away from Philadelphia sainthood. Losing his MVP quarterback in December and then coaching up the backup to a Super Bowl win would be an all-timer.
P!nk: Venerable pop star and Super Bowl LII national anthem performer who doesn't get enough credit for successfully entrenching the stylized spelling of her name within the culture.
Pole Guy: Local Clod whose gnarly collision with a weight-bearing subway pillar made him a local legend and real-life answer to Charlie from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." Did not die, which is good.
Prince: Deceased pop icon and Minnesota native voted most likely to return to Earth to upstage Justin Timberlake at halftime.
Roseman, Howie:Eagles vice president who survived Chip Kelly era, re-established himself as the organization's top behind-the-scenes power player and became the NFL front office answer to Andy Dufresne in the process. Howie Roseman ... who crawled through a river of s--- and came out clean on the other side.
Slater, Matthew: Special teams ace whom Bill Belichick will almost certainly cite as his favorite player ever during the coach's Canton induction speech. Tom Brady will seethe in anger, reaching levels of jealousy not seen since Belichick failed to award him Patriot of the Week honors during 2017 season.
"This Is Us": NBC drama powerhouse that will air a "very special" episode immediately after Super Bowl. Translation: A principal cast member is getting sent to the meat wagon. Also the No. 1 program wives guilt their husbands into watching so "we can have a show we enjoy together."
Timberlake, Justin: Superstar entertainer who will become first performer to appear on Super Bowl halftime stage on three separate occasions. Just for fun, here are the other performers who joined Timberlake at his two previous Super Bowls in 2001 and 2004: Aerosmith, the other *NSYNC bros, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige, Jessica Simpson (!), P. Diddy, Nelly (again) and Kid Rock. Oh, and Janet Jackson.
Underdog: How numbers-conscious desert people have regarded the Eagles for the entirety of their playoff run. In celebration (or retaliation), Eagles players Lane Johnson and Chris Long began dog-mask craze in Philadelphia after team's Divisional Round win over the Falcons. The mask phenomena serves as nightmare fuel for majority of nation.
Wahlberg, Mark: Typically bankable Hollywood leading man and known Patriots supporter who was subjected to a hefty dose of Internet snark when he was spotted exiting Super Bowl LI prior to New England's historic comeback. Wahlberg eventually pinned his felony-level fan transgression on a misbehaving son, which, c'mon man.
Wentz, Carson: Golden Boy of Philadelphia whose MVP season was cruelly cut down by a freak knee injury in Week 14. Had the No. 1 and No. 2 highest-selling jerseys in the NFL in 2017. He's bringing back the cane as an acceptable fashion accessary.